Single is not a Flex

Are we glorifying being single too much ...or is it necessary in this generation ?

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:13

Hi my girls, my ladies, my women. Welcome to Ring Your Mouth Podcast with your girl Key Girl Talk Sunday. No, I am not over on YouTube live anymore because, as you know, if you follow me, you know that I know that I know that I know that it's not my niche. Okay. I know my place. And doing all that editing in live is not my place. YouTube algorithm just don't work for me. I like it over here in the audio podcast world and the audio trap house. So that's where you'll find me. Feel free to share, tag, recurate, do whatever you need to do to get the message out. But um, I won't be over there doing it. Not live anyway, but it will be heard on YouTube. So without further ado, welcome to Girl Talk in the Audio Trap House, where I love to be because I run my mouth. Not bat my eyes, not chase stars, not turn flips. I run my mouth with news, you can use information you can use, something that makes you go, hmm, whether you want to hear it or don't want to hear it. I keep it real conservative but yet controversial sometimes and true. So tonight's top topic is being single is not the flex. Hmm. You know, society has basically told us that basically convinced us that doing everything alone and being single is a flex. Let me let me tell you tonight, it's not. Balance is the flex. Doing everything alone, being exhausted, that's what society is telling us is normal. We're looking around at, oh, um, I'm my soft girl era. I'm doing me, I'm doing this, I'm doing that. But then you see women popping up, and these are our role models that our kids are following with five and six baby daddies. Industry girls go going around the table, but these are the people who setting the tone. That's who you want your girls to be like. No, it's not because being single is not the flex. Being your I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T is not the woman you want to be. You want to be independent, you want to be able to take care of yourself, you definitely better be able to take care of yourself and you better be independent, but being single ain't necessarily got to be the recipe by yourself. You don't have to be by yourself. Let's be honest. Being single isn't the flex, peace is, and the right partnership should add to that, not take from it. So I think a lot of us have been hurt, and we've been in relationships that absolutely didn't flourish our purpose and didn't add to our existence and our table of what partnership should look like. So when we leave those broken, damaged, toxic relationships, the first thing we want to do is we want to find self and you feel like you gotta do it by yourself all the time. Oh, I'm not dating, I'm not doing this, I'm not doing that. Well, how can you find your boaz if you don't date people? You can be not in a committed relationship and still date, still be trying to find your way, navigate your way through what normalcy of a relationship looks like. What we mess up a lot of times is we start playing housewife while still single and expecting a married life as a single woman. That is not the flex either. But don't get it twisted. Being single is sometimes necessary. Healing, growing, learning yourself, that matters. But somewhere along the way, we start to glorify independence like we don't need anybody. You don't need to do it all alone. Independence is power, but isolation is not. And we have somehow managed to equivalate independence as isolation. I don't need a man. Girl, yes, you do. That's probably why half of the men out here turned into women and wanting to be women. They ain't got no woman that's wanting to be with them. Yes, you do need a man. Yes, you do need a partner. That's the way it's designed, that's the way it's gonna be designed. As long as we're here on this earth as human beings, that's the way procreation works, that's the way relationships work. You need a partner. Doesn't have to be man and woman, if that's what you prefer. But being single, being by yourself, just running around acting like a hermit, angry, mad, bitter, and always talking about you finding yourself. That is not a flex. It is not, and we have normalized that. You look on social media, and the first thing you see is women just lollody dotty-dotting around and swearing up and down, they're happy being by themselves. No, you are not to a certain extent. You need to be by yourself, you need to have time to yourself, you need to self-reflect, you need to generally have self-care that involves time with yourself. Yes, that's very necessary. But isolating yourself and just deeming yourself as this strong, independent, I can do it all by myself. Let me jack my car with my fingernail, change my tire, do my oil and all this other mess, pump my gas and all this, and take out my trash, pay all my bills, take care of the kids, run around like a chicken with your head cut off, you're gonna stress yourself out. That's what you have done. You have stressed yourself out unnecessarily. It's a side of pressure, that's what it is. We praise women who was doing this all along. Working, healing, building, carrying everything alone. And if you ask for help or you want help or partnership, or you in any kind of way want to exemplify softness, society has deemed that as weakness. We supposed to be soft, ladies. We supposed to be. You want a hard body, oh thugged out? I can do it all by myself. You can have that mentality, you can have that ability, but don't have that mentality. I can change my oil, I can change my tire. I definitely can pump my own gas, but why would I need to do all these things if I'm if I have a partner that wants to do it? I don't have to jump in and cut my grass. I enjoy cutting my grass, and I will cut my grass, but why can't we do it together? Why can't this be a shared task? I want to sit in the house twirling my hair and thinking, oh, I supposed to be doing this as a woman, and he's supposed to be doing it. No, it's partnership. That's what we have gone so wrong. Partnership is so individualized in society today. Everybody's doing everything by themselves. Then where's the partnership? What do you need? What do you need a partner for if you're gonna do everything by yourself? We should not have ever normalized burnout. I don't need nobody mindset. The fear of vulnerability is a thief. It's still in your ability to rationalize that you do need somebody. You do need help. Doing it all alone is not strength. That's survival mode. And why would we want to always be in survival mode when we want to be in life mode? You want to live, not just always be surviving, always trying to borrow from Peter to pay Paul, always trying to keep your head above the water, always looking to your left and to your right, looking behind you to make sure your tracks is covered. With partnership, you have a safety net. That's what it's supposed to be. So, baby, being single is not the flex. Don't let these actors, actresses, celebrities tell you, oh, I'm gonna independent woman, I'm gonna do it by myself. Don't let them fool you. Because one, they got a lot of money. So, with a lot of money, sometimes you don't have a whole lot of problems. You got problems, but you ain't got financial problems unless you're just bad with your money. Partnership can alleviate some of those financial burdens. You lose your job, your partner, you act, and working with what y'all got together, conforming what y'all got together because in your mind you're feeling you don't need him, you don't have to do anything with him, you can do it all by yourself. So you've entrapped yourself, you've entrapped your mind and your heart and your ability to see past that survival mode. That's why they're always deeming us so angry. It's not that we're angry, we're tired. Shit. We tired, you need a break. A healthy relationship equals support. Partnership equals balance, and balance equals peace. When you have balance in your life, when your fuck clothes folded, when your house is clean, you light them candles, girl, you're smelling good, everything's smelling good. You can be by yourself without a man, and your mind is peaceful. But imagine when your man laying beside you and all that stuff in order, and you ain't gotta be ripping around and doing this and that and the third. Everybody has balance. Clothes out for tomorrow. Lunch is made, you already did your documents for work, blase, blase. Everything is cop aesthetic. You have balance, you can watch your shows, you can lolly gay, y'all can lay there, talk about people, do whatever it is you want to do. He can go to the game with his friends, come home, you can go with your friends, come home, and you have balance, you have aroma in your house. The right person does not add pressure, they don't add to your pressure and your stress and tell you, oh, this is a woman's role, or this is what I'm gonna do. Y'all do it together. Don't get it twisted now. There are some there are some nurturing roles that men just cannot they will go half bathe them children in a heartbeat, ears be dirty behind it's just not their nature because they probably have bathed themselves, you know. They gonna not pick out the clothes the way you pick out the clothes, just some things that you will need to provide a little guidance with, but at the same time, it's not gender-pacific. All of these roles that we try to put on one another and we want to do by ourselves, stress ourselves out, trying to carry the whole load. Who wanna wash five, ten loads of clothes a week? Who wanna fold, put up all these clothes when you got a whole man right there? Who wanna do that? Who wants to cook a meal time they get off work, or every day five, six days a week, you want to cook a meal when you got a man right there? Why would you want to do that? If there's a man available who will do these things with you for you, or provide some some service, you should be able to take care of yourself. You should be able to pay your bills, you should be able to maintain your lifestyle, you should be able to get your hair and your nails done, pay your car, no, your house, no buy your bag, girl, go on Shein, go on Fashion Nova, go wherever you want to go, Linux Mall, um Thep Small, go do whatever you want to do. You should be able to afford your lifestyle, but you also should be able to have a partner that can afford your luxury. I'm gonna say that again. Yes, you should be able to afford your lifestyle, but your partner should also be able to afford your luxury. Two incomes are always better than one, always gonna be better than one. We have to take accountability for self-worth. Now let's keep it real. Everybody ain't ready for partnership, everybody ain't relationship ready because some of us are damaged, we are broken, we are bitter, we are thirsty, we are around here watching the social media outlets, and we want our life to look just like love and hip hop. We want our life to look just like Cardi B's, we want our life monetarily, but lifestyle, relationship-wise, do you really? Probably not. So, you do need to find time in your life to teach yourself how to balance your mind and your emotions as a woman, as a mother if you have kids, as a wife. Prepare yourself to be a wife. You can't act like a single woman through your whole relationship and then inspect this man to marry you. That's probably why a lot of y'all are still waiting on year five with no ring. Every man I ever dated that wanted to marry me within a year. Whether we did it or not, no. Because I wasn't ready to be nobody's partner. Girlfriend, yes. And let me clarify that everybody that's in a relationship aren't partners. Everybody that's cohabitating aren't partners. You got people that's living in the same house that don't even have conversations. You have people that are living in the same house who don't even sleep in the same bed, and they like to say, Oh, that's beneficial for me, that helps me. No, heck it doesn't. That's you individualizing your independence in a partnership. You have separated what partnership means. Nah, granted, if you're old and you know, your woman got high flashes, she went up to bed and it ain't in a good way, and you wanted to play the TV all night while sports, and she don't like sports, and she gotta get up and go to work early in the morning. I can understand you going to your man cave where she got her little she she she cave and you know, do your thing or whatever. But when it comes down to it, are y'all talking, are y'all having conversations in the house? Are y'all eating at the same dinner table? Are you watching television together sometimes? Are you having moments where you are being intellectually a combine? Are you on one accord, or is everything you do a behavior as a single person? You gotta ask yourself those questions sometimes before you get into a relationship and before you stay in the relationship. Because some people are still healing, they're still guarded, and they still are operating from hurt. So they don't really know that these things is separating them from a true partnership. They don't really understand that this is not the person you dated that did this to you, this is not the person that hurt you, this is not the person you gotta meet people where they are and you won't conform your mind to thinking this is where I'm gonna be for the rest of my life. Choosing the wrong partners versus versus choosing peace. Now, those are reasons for you to stay single. If you know that you know that you know that you definitely have chosen the wrong person, get out. Get out, find your independence, find your peace, heal, but don't put in your mind that this is your place forever, that I'm supposed to be by myself forever. You don't have to settle just to say you have someone. That's not a flex. That's one of our biggest problems. That's where a lot of we that's where a lot of our pain comes from. Let's unpack that right quick because I want to keep these sessions 15 minutes. I say sessions like y'all on the couch. I wish y'all was kind of on the couch, because then I would be getting paid a whole lot more, you know. Like I would be charging like$200 an hour for these sessions, but let's keep it real. I'm just talking to you. I just want to talk to y'all girls for a minute. Um, you do have to find that balance. You know, you can't just say, oh, well, I don't want to do this by myself. I want a man here so he can take our trash. I want a man here so he can pump my car up in the morning. I want a man here who's gonna cut grass. I want a man here to repair things around the house. I want a man here to be my maintenance man in the bedroom at night. I want a man here who's gonna knock on wood in the morning and get things right. But he's doing everything else that I don't want. He's cheating, he's lying, he's not keeping a stable job, he's not financially providing, he's rude, he ain't been raised right. You know, just just all these other things that take away from the balance. That's when you need to be independent and do it by yourself until you get that partner that brings you peace. But you don't have to do all the work first, ladies. You do not have to be the first one to jump in. You gotta jump in when you feel that man and not work on yourself. You can't be head over heels trying to change him, fix him and not fix yourself. I've always had this question with my girlfriends, and and some people looking in from the outside will say, Oh, well, you know, she didn't have a lot of boyfriends, this, that, and the third, that and that. They've been long term. But when I'm done, I'm done. You're not gonna kill me, you're not gonna give me something I can't get rid of. You're not gonna break my momentum, you're not gonna damage my ego, you're not gonna make me be in a place where I dislike myself. I done had skinny boys, rich boys, fat boys, thin boys, tall boys, short boys, money boys, drug boys, street boys, all kind of boys that thought they could play in my face. But at the end of the day, ain't none of them boys ever made me forget who I am, ever made me forget what I look at when I look in the mirror, ever made me forget that I'm sitting here, brother, and you better catch up. Never. He can have 500 in his pocket or he can have 500,000 in his pocket. He's still gonna have to address me with the level that I bring to the table. And I can have$5 in my pocket or I can have$5,000 in my pocket,$500,000. I'm gonna still come to the table like a billionaire. I'm gonna still come to the table like I'm wealthy. I'm gonna still come to the table with a wealth of knowledge. I'm gonna still come to the table with my indistinctive soft girl era, even though I may be a little rough around the edges to them. I'm gonna still come to the table with my confidence. I'm still coming to the table with my know-how. I'm still coming to the table with you're gonna treat me the way I want to be treated. Well, baby, you got to go. And that's what we have gotten away from. We are we are self-reflecting and we're doing our self-care and we have our soft girl era and we're hanging with our friends, and we're going on all these sabbaticals, and we're letting out all of these emotions, and then we're coming back on. You're coming back on to the same mindset with the same dude? Come on. Because you just settling, or you're rushing. I don't know which one it is for some of us. If we're settling or we want to rush into partnership, but don't glorify being alone just because you're waiting. You gotta know the difference. It's a difference in waiting and being alone than being lonely, and glorifying being lonely and independent and becoming complacent with being lonely. Some females are lonely, they really are. I look at them and I'm like, okay, they they need a partner, they need a good partner. Somebody that's gonna really show them what partnership looks like because being single isn't the flex, being whole is remember that and repeat it every day to yourself. Being single is not the flex. And when I say being single, I'm not saying go out and run out and get married. I'm saying being in a relationship, dating someone, having someone who takes you nice places, and you know, you don't have to, you don't have to have one particular person. If you want to date several people, I ain't I don't know what you want to do. I mean if you're if you want to have sex, that's on you, y'all grown. But I wouldn't, I would, you know, choose your battles wisely, is what I'm gonna say. Choose your battles wisely. But when I say single, I mean not dating. You home, you rubbing a cat, you walking a dog, you dressing a dog up like you, you got the damn dog in your bed, you laying around with your remote control, you just twirling your thumbs all day. You can come home to your house by yourself every day, every day, sleep in your bed every day, and still not be single. You have a partner. Your part there's a difference in cohabitation and partnership. Everybody that that are partners don't live together. Doesn't mean you don't have a partner, and I think that's what we're confusing a lot of this term with single. You girls are out here thinking that you gotta not have nobody in your life, you gotta travel the world and do everything by yourself, or you gotta rush into this settlement with any old type of man and forget your standards because you just want to have somebody. Then you're angry and you're mad and you're bitter and you're broken, and now you're back on this. I'm independent, I'm by myself, I'm a stalker here by under myself, I'm self-cat, da da da. But in actuality, you're just back single. Take your time, take your time. And when you're whole, you don't look for someone to complete you. You choose someone who brings you balance. Remember what I said? Balance is the flex. Balance is the flex. B-A-L-A-N-C-E. That's me, that's you, that's what every woman wants to be. Balanced. Because real partnership, that's peace. So think about it. When we're out here glorifying being single, is it necessary in this generation to be single? That's a question I have. Inbox me, email me, utilize the email in the chat, and let me know what you think. Is it really necessary in this society? I don't know. Cause too many women are self-caring in a single form, but they miserable. Ladies, let's change that narrative. Doing it all alone, shouldn't, isn't, won't be your goal. Peace, balance, and partnership is. It's time we change. Who started that mess? I don't know whose platform and song. I don't know what influencer you fall in, I don't know what music you listen to, I don't know who gave you this idea for unlearn it. One of my very first podcasts I did in 2021 was Unlearn and Learn Behavior. I still love that conversation. That conversation I had with when I had two hosts, Cammy and G, we had a whole Offline conversation about the behaviors that we were taught. We didn't want to throw nobody under the bus, you know, family, friends, loved ones, parents, everybody that poured into our lives and tried to give us the best form of balance that they knew how to do. So a lot of it was never aired. But that was a very fulfilling conversation, guys. Guys, girls, whoever's listening. Unlearn and learn behavior. And I'm gonna have to revisit that again. Listen, I often play it, and I would never air our offline conversation. But some of the things that we have been taught as men and as women, as black men and black women, we absolutely gotta throw it out the window. No harm to nobody's tutelage, no harm to nobody's parenting, no harm to the village. It's just the times change, the air change, the mindset change, and the type of people we're dealing with change. And that evolution caused us to have to be flexible in our learning and our in our knowledge. And let's be real, a lot of the things that we learned about relationships, partnership, love, commitment, man, woman, we learned it from people in an era who were forced to be separated, forced to be divided. Black men and women didn't live together. They had to sneak into it because they were out in the fields and they could have sex and make babies, but the babies was just that was just so they could create more slaves for the most part of it. Or the men are somewhere working, and the women somewhere in the house with the master. I mean, let's let's keep it real. That's on a whole nother spectrum there, but we have not been taught in the black community a lot of things that is pertinent to keeping healthy relationships. Um in the society we're in now with social media, it's not helping. We are paternizing and we're looking at our girls are looking at goals, uh, relationship goals from women who have four or five babies in the industry. They're looking at relationship goals from women who talk nasty, dress nasty, do nasty shit. You know, you're looking at women who their goal is to get a baby by a celebrity or somebody, a baller, just because that's a cash cow. Are you looking to be a mother? Are you looking to be a wife? A lot of them aren't. They're looking to be baby mamas because the baby comes with a with a price tag. And whether the man be with them or not, the corpse is gonna make sure that that child support is is allocated. And that's sad. That's a sad place to be in, a sad way to think. So, ladies, let's change that narrative. Thank you for tuning in to Run Your Mouth Podcast, Girl Talk Edition. I'll see y'all next month on a Sunday for another episode of Girl Talk presented by Run Your Mouth Podcast. Make sure you share, talk about it, chat with me, inbox me, email me. However, you can get to me. Whatever pops up on your stream, hit me right there. Because I ain't got time to go over there and look for it right now. But I'm gonna put it out, I'm gonna put it in the link. Look for it. Thank y'all again, and I hope this helps somebody because that's all I'm here for. I'm not here to tell you how to live your life, I'm not here to tell you what to do with your life. I'm just here to share with you the experiences that I've experienced, things that I've looked at over my five decades or four or three decades. I wasn't dating when I was born, but over the 30-some years of my dating life, um, I've seen things change so much. I've seen women become so strong today, almost unapproachable. I've seen women go from pretty soft girl, but she can do this and she can do that, to she don't need a man. I ain't never gonna say that. I ain't never gonna find myself that that independent. Why? Because one, I don't I don't even see how y'all fell in love with the rose and all that that nonsense. No, baby. I need a man, I want to hold my man. I want my man to do what a man supposed to do. I want a man to do what a man's supposed to do. Okay, okay. Y'all put that in the back of your head and your imagination that rose can't do it. It can't do it. It it it's it's almost diabolical anyway that anybody would be that fascinated with a device. Uh wear the arms and the legs, and and you know, don't don't don't let that spirit get in get into you. Don't let that that spirit fill you with that type of pleasure that you forget you need a man, baby. We need men, okay? M-E-N men, strong men, working men, spiritual men, gladiator men. We need to bring them back, but to do that, we gotta go as before them, as healed, independent, but also able to be dependent, able to cohabitate, able to have a conversation, able to elevate individually, because you don't need him to complete you, and he don't need you to complete him. Y'all dare to complete each other. It's a partnership. We gotta go with that type of attitude for the type of partner and the type of balance that you want because our men have not been taught it either. Our black men are failing in this dating world as well. You got too many of them around here turning the gems. I mean, granted, some are born, gay, and they just like what they like, but a lot of our men have have let society convince them that being a woman is better than taking care of a woman. No, being a woman ain't always what you think it's cracked up to be, and they learn it and then they run they're going crazy because it's it's rough over here, brothers. We'll talk about that another day. So, again, thank y'all for tuning in. Make sure you follow me on YouTube, subscribe to the channel, and download, hit that notification so that you don't miss any future episodes of Run Your Mouth Podcast or Girls Talk Edition.